Now I know how the men feel...
There's just no easy way.
There's just no easy way.
There's no easy way to break
Somebody's heart...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wake Up Call
Had a little talk with Daddy just recently. May this serve as a reminder and an encouragement to you guys. 
Romans 8:28-29
"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son..."
So You're telling me, that despite all this, I'm supposed to react with a smile on my face and a song in my heart? Dad, its easier said than done. I don't know how on earth I can pull this off this time.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness..."
But Lord, how do I know that You're not just saying that?
Hebrews 13:5
"..I will never leave you, nor forsake you.."
Daddy, you know me better than I know myself. And you know that no matter how hard I try, I still fall down. And i'm beginning to notice that it's happening to me a lot these days. I mean, not just in school, but also with You. You speak of Your love and peace and grace and mercy. I don't seem to be getting any of that lately... Have you forgotten me?
God's reply:
"Deborah. Haven't you learned by now? Pag bagsak ka, repeater ka.
(And I'm not just talking about school here.)
"I know you're trying so hard. I know school can be tough, and its not just the academics. I know that you struggle with being salt and light while stil trying to fit in and be accepted... You have persevered and have endured hardships for My Name, and have not grown weary.
Yet I hold this against you:
I'm not the one who's forgetting here, Deb. You are.
Whatever happend to trust? What ever happened to surrender?
You do and do, but why do you? You've forgotten Who you're doing it for. You've forgotten Who put you there in the first place. You've forgotten Me.
Remeber the height from which you have fallen. Let's try this again..."
(Rev. 2:2-5)
I'm sorry. I forgot that it really ISN'T about me.
May You increase, and may I decrease.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Ending Story
My blockmate made this after I told him my story about my past life. He was so inspired that he wrote a song about it.
(*copied from my his multiply blog)
(*copied from my his multiply blog)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The song was inspired by a true story that I heard. However, unlike "Hindi ka mababasa" which was paraded as 'Inspired by the rain and by Peter Ramirez,' this song is a lot more serious and so I won't reveal the identity/identities of the person/persons involved. If it's not obvious to you in the lyrics, there WAS a level of trust during the telling of the story. The Ending Story. . "
Can you blame me
if when I look into your eyes, seems like all I see
are the fragments of our past, our shattered
memories?
Remembering the things that we
decided we would leave behind.
But I can’t get them out of my mind.
Can you blame me
if when I see you smile I know that it’s
all over,
the things we had before we learned to to wonder,
before we learned to dream?
Because now
our fantasy world is gone.
I wish we never left the real one.
And all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?
It makes you wonder how we could be so wrong
from friends to lovers. We knew it all along. And now it’s over
and sometimes I find that though
our feelings were all justified,
I wish we had strength to hide them.
Because all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?
You don’t have to worry.
I know this is how it ends and how we want it to be.
So let me keep forever, let me remember you and me.
Because all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?
Can you blame me?
*if you are also wondering why the title is "Ending Story" while in the song itself I say "...never ending story," it's because I wanted to show that while the persona says that the story is never ending, the whole song is actually a goodbye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Luna's [their band] :
I hope you go places. Thank you. I have a song to call my own.
*Music and Lyrics by Luna's
Not download-able on Limewire. [or any other network-sharing service] No line-stealing without the permission of the writer. hehe. (*ehem* plagarism, hija.)
PIRACY IS WRONG.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Heart's Reply
"You don't know how it feels when there's no one to lean on, no hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on, no one to laugh with, no one to fill that hole in your heart...
I'm like this now because I long for love and attention, but I end up just being ignored and rejected. Betrayed and neglected. Lonely. Alone.
Although I know I'm not... but when you look around and realize things aren't the same, there are too many problems and complications these days, and there's no one who can understand and change that for you...
You can't help but feel that way,
you can't help but feel unloved..."
I'm like this now because I long for love and attention, but I end up just being ignored and rejected. Betrayed and neglected. Lonely. Alone.
Although I know I'm not... but when you look around and realize things aren't the same, there are too many problems and complications these days, and there's no one who can understand and change that for you...
You can't help but feel that way,
you can't help but feel unloved..."
Friday, July 11, 2008
I Killed Someone
I thought I got rid of her. I distinctly remember burying her alive in some far away place that I could never find again. I thought that was the last time I'd see her.
But after 3 years without her... Three long, happy and eventful years. I'm shocked to see her back from the dead to haunt me once again.
She isn't some walking corpse or a zombie. No, she is alive, she is aware, and she is back with a vengance.
She follows me around everywhere. I try to avoid her and ignore her, but in some way she ends up finding me. I try not to let my friends see her, so I wouldn't have to introduce her. But she pops out when I least expect it.
She torments me, she manipulates me. Day and night, night and day. She makes me rebel against my parents, hate my brother, despise my friends. She makes me say all these nasty things and think of these ill thoughts. She makes me feel dirty. She brings out the worst in me and makes me do the things I do not want to do, and then she leaves me to fend for myself after. She hurts me until I am left crying. She pushes me down so hard that I do not want to get back up.
When i've failed, she laughs at me. Oh how I hate that laugh. The sound of her mocking voice and her ireful stare. It makes me cringe. It drives me insane.
I think I am insane, or at least, she makes me feel that way.
When I feel pressured, she adds to the stress. She made me forget my First Love once, and knowing her, she can do that again.
One night, I get up from my bed and decide that enough is enough. Surprisingly, I see her there beside me. She's been waiting for me to get to sleep. She's the cause of all my nightmares. My grief. She destroys my self-esteem.
I look directly at her. Into her eyes. Her evil grin turns into a frightened scowl.
"You are nothing. You are not important. You do not matter."
This is what I tell her. She shifts her eyes and starts to get mad. Just before she tries to fend for herself, I continue.
"You're life is not your own. You have been selfish. Arrogant. Self-centered. Mean, and you know nothing at all. You are a hypocrite. A failure. You are a jealous, conceited and immature person. You are immoral. A wretch. You are a sinner."
At that moment, her eyes turn red and her mouth closes. Tears began to form in her eyes.
"You are all of these things.." I go on,
"...and yet, you are not judged. You are loved. Unconditionally, with an everlasting love. You are forgiven. You are saved."
Her eyes begin to gleam. I ask her, "And isn't thjat enough to stop tormenting ourselves? To stop living our lives the wrong way? Isn't that enough reason to completely turn around? For you to just leave me alone, once and for all... and die?"
She smiles. But it isn't like before. She smiles in agreement. She nods her head once. She begings to weep, heavily, until I see her drowning in her own tears.
The next thing I knew, she was gone. Her body washed away with the limpid, salty water.
I haven't seen her since.
Despite all of the things she made me do in the past. I am grateful, because through her, I realized how sinful I truly was. How far i've gone from Daddy. How much I've missed the mark.
These days, when I look into the mirror. I still see her..
But only from time to time, because..
The old Deb has gone, and I am a new creation... ΓΌ
But after 3 years without her... Three long, happy and eventful years. I'm shocked to see her back from the dead to haunt me once again.
She isn't some walking corpse or a zombie. No, she is alive, she is aware, and she is back with a vengance.
She follows me around everywhere. I try to avoid her and ignore her, but in some way she ends up finding me. I try not to let my friends see her, so I wouldn't have to introduce her. But she pops out when I least expect it.
She torments me, she manipulates me. Day and night, night and day. She makes me rebel against my parents, hate my brother, despise my friends. She makes me say all these nasty things and think of these ill thoughts. She makes me feel dirty. She brings out the worst in me and makes me do the things I do not want to do, and then she leaves me to fend for myself after. She hurts me until I am left crying. She pushes me down so hard that I do not want to get back up.
When i've failed, she laughs at me. Oh how I hate that laugh. The sound of her mocking voice and her ireful stare. It makes me cringe. It drives me insane.
I think I am insane, or at least, she makes me feel that way.
When I feel pressured, she adds to the stress. She made me forget my First Love once, and knowing her, she can do that again.
One night, I get up from my bed and decide that enough is enough. Surprisingly, I see her there beside me. She's been waiting for me to get to sleep. She's the cause of all my nightmares. My grief. She destroys my self-esteem.
I look directly at her. Into her eyes. Her evil grin turns into a frightened scowl.
"You are nothing. You are not important. You do not matter."
This is what I tell her. She shifts her eyes and starts to get mad. Just before she tries to fend for herself, I continue.
"You're life is not your own. You have been selfish. Arrogant. Self-centered. Mean, and you know nothing at all. You are a hypocrite. A failure. You are a jealous, conceited and immature person. You are immoral. A wretch. You are a sinner."
At that moment, her eyes turn red and her mouth closes. Tears began to form in her eyes.
"You are all of these things.." I go on,
"...and yet, you are not judged. You are loved. Unconditionally, with an everlasting love. You are forgiven. You are saved."
Her eyes begin to gleam. I ask her, "And isn't thjat enough to stop tormenting ourselves? To stop living our lives the wrong way? Isn't that enough reason to completely turn around? For you to just leave me alone, once and for all... and die?"
She smiles. But it isn't like before. She smiles in agreement. She nods her head once. She begings to weep, heavily, until I see her drowning in her own tears.
The next thing I knew, she was gone. Her body washed away with the limpid, salty water.
I haven't seen her since.
Despite all of the things she made me do in the past. I am grateful, because through her, I realized how sinful I truly was. How far i've gone from Daddy. How much I've missed the mark.
These days, when I look into the mirror. I still see her..
But only from time to time, because..
The old Deb has gone, and I am a new creation... ΓΌ
Sunday, May 11, 2008
What hurts the most
When you want to give in, but you still hold back. When you want to give up, but you try again. When you want to fight back, but you have no courage to. When you want to cry, but you have to show you're strong. When you scream, but aren't heard. When you laugh, but no one laughs with you. When you speak but no one listens. When you want to move on, but can't let go. When you want to serve, but for the wrong motives. You want to submit, but then abused. When you want to speak up, but are ordered to stay silent. When its raining, but you want the sun to shine. When you love, but aren't loved back. When you want to care, but you're not allowed to. When you stand up for what you believe in, but mocked at for doing so. When you are victorious, but aren't acknowleged. When you fall down, but no one's there to help you back up. When you want to reach out, but then ignored. When you want to be true to yourself, but you continue to live in denial. When you pack your things and try to run away, but come back and just bring them out again. When the joy is gone and you try to find temporary happiness in the little things, but your heart is just too broken and your spirit too crushed.
When we can't find the strength to go on with our lives, what is it that keeps us perservering?
Maybe it's that little thought in our head that there is more to it than all of this. That one day, something, or possibly, someone will make it all better.You feel all these ill feelings, but then you know you're probably just gonna regret it in the end, so you take it back before its too late. We do not just end our life right there and then because you know deep in your heart, there is something to look forward to.. So we try to remind ourselves to keep breathing. But you don't exactly know how to deal with the pain and bitterness, and ask yourself:
"When will the misery end? How can I live through this?"
GOD SPEAKS:
"...MY GRACE is sufficient for you, for [MY] power is perfected in [your] weakness. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of CHRIST may dwell in me.Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with disresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, I AM STRONG."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
When we can't find the strength to go on with our lives, what is it that keeps us perservering?
Maybe it's that little thought in our head that there is more to it than all of this. That one day, something, or possibly, someone will make it all better.You feel all these ill feelings, but then you know you're probably just gonna regret it in the end, so you take it back before its too late. We do not just end our life right there and then because you know deep in your heart, there is something to look forward to.. So we try to remind ourselves to keep breathing. But you don't exactly know how to deal with the pain and bitterness, and ask yourself:
"When will the misery end? How can I live through this?"
GOD SPEAKS:
"...MY GRACE is sufficient for you, for [MY] power is perfected in [your] weakness. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of CHRIST may dwell in me.Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with disresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, I AM STRONG."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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