I Killed Someone

I thought I got rid of her. I distinctly remember burying her alive in some far away place that I could never find again. I thought that was the last time I'd see her.

But after 3 years without her... Three long, happy and eventful years. I'm shocked to see her back from the dead to haunt me once again.
She isn't some walking corpse or a zombie. No, she is alive, she is aware, and she is back with a vengance.

She follows me around everywhere. I try to avoid her and ignore her, but in some way she ends up finding me. I try not to let my friends see her, so I wouldn't have to introduce her. But she pops out when I least expect it.
She torments me, she manipulates me. Day and night, night and day. She makes me rebel against my parents, hate my brother, despise my friends. She makes me say all these nasty things and think of these ill thoughts. She makes me feel dirty. She brings out the worst in me and makes me do the things I do not want to do, and then she leaves me to fend for myself after. She hurts me until I am left crying. She pushes me down so hard that I do not want to get back up.

When i've failed, she laughs at me. Oh how I hate that laugh. The sound of her mocking voice and her ireful stare. It makes me cringe. It drives me insane.

I think I am insane, or at least, she makes me feel that way.

When I feel pressured, she adds to the stress. She made me forget my First Love once, and knowing her, she can do that again.

One night, I get up from my bed and decide that enough is enough. Surprisingly, I see her there beside me. She's been waiting for me to get to sleep. She's the cause of all my nightmares. My grief. She destroys my self-esteem.

I look directly at her. Into her eyes. Her evil grin turns into a frightened scowl.

"You are nothing. You are not important. You do not matter."
This is what I tell her. She shifts her eyes and starts to get mad. Just before she tries to fend for herself, I continue.

"You're life is not your own. You have been selfish. Arrogant. Self-centered. Mean, and you know nothing at all. You are a hypocrite. A failure. You are a jealous, conceited and immature person. You are immoral. A wretch. You are a sinner."

At that moment, her eyes turn red and her mouth closes. Tears began to form in her eyes.

"You are all of these things.." I go on,
"...and yet, you are not judged. You are loved. Unconditionally, with an everlasting love. You are forgiven. You are saved."

Her eyes begin to gleam. I ask her, "And isn't thjat enough to stop tormenting ourselves? To stop living our lives the wrong way? Isn't that enough reason to completely turn around? For you to just leave me alone, once and for all... and die?"

She smiles. But it isn't like before. She smiles in agreement. She nods her head once. She begings to weep, heavily, until I see her drowning in her own tears.
The next thing I knew, she was gone. Her body washed away with the limpid, salty water.


I haven't seen her since.


Despite all of the things she made me do in the past. I am grateful, because through her, I realized how sinful I truly was. How far i've gone from Daddy. How much I've missed the mark.

These days, when I look into the mirror. I still see her..
But only from time to time, because..

The old Deb has gone, and I am a new creation... ü