Being born and raised in Makati, I’ve been a city kid all my life. I’m your classic-case, Christian-girl scenario. I grew up in a Christian home, came to know Christ at an early age, and belonged to a Christian family. I went to Sunday school, recited my verses and tried to be a good girl. I was usually labeled as “yung anak ni Val and Amy Victa” or “that adorable kid who’d sing during church anniversaries…” (especially way back when they were still held in PICC.) But as I grew up, we eventually moved to Laguna and worshipped in CCF Sucat, which eventually became Alabang. During those times I thought I knew all I had to know about what it meant to be a Christian. All until I started attending youth and in 2005 went to my very first youth camp. It was there where I fully understood the Great Sacrifice that Christ did for all of us.
One of my favorite bible verses is Song of Songs 8:4
“And I charge you, women of Jerusalem not to awaken love until the time is right.”
I kept this verse very close to my heart. But being the hormone raging, curious, hard-headed teenager that I am, I struggled in staying true to it. You see, I was one of the many people who looked for love in all the wrong places. And eventually, I found something that satisfied my craving.
About a year ago, I got into something that wasn’t very pleasing in the eyes of my Lord.
It’s true what Jeremiah 17:9 says that “the heart is deceitful above all things…”
Because I was so caught up with what my heart was telling me what I wanted, I ended up being distracted from God, and dragged other people in that same direction as well.
Eventually, God put an end to all that, and when it did, I was devasted… I spent oh-so-many sleepless nights and countless depressing days when I’d cry my eyes out. Then I became bitter and started having occasional mood-swings. Eventually I grew out of it, but despite that I knew that deep inside I was still broken (and somewhat STILL bitter). But that brokenness made me look back on Song of Songs 8:4. As I read it, God pointed out to me that it still wasn’t the right time for me and that I’ve drifted so far away from Him, that I was back to square one: repenting and making Him the center of my life once again.
But not long after that, I began to feel empty and depressed. And unconsciously, I sought for MY definition of love. (“God… I love You and all. But I wish I could have someone with skin on!” )
But one time during my morning devotion, I ran across 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. And like the double-edged sword that it is, God’s word pierced my heart and I was convicted.
So when depression would get to me, I denied myself and said “Deb! Ano ba? You love God, period.”
But some time February of this year, I was assigned to write an article for JChronicle. And as I did I came across 1 John 4:10 which states “This is what real love is. It is not our love for God… but God’s love for us.”
So It wasn’t enough that I knew I love God, but I had to accept the fact that GOD LOVES ME.
That, that perfect love which I’ve been longing for was right there, waiting to be claimed by me.
But yet again, my deceitful heart told me that I wasn’t satisfied.
Yes, I knew God loved me… but why couldn’t I feel it? My depression became chronic and I couldn’t understand why.
All until a few months ago where our family had this… “issue.” My parent got into this huge argument. Now, it wasn’t something small.. this was a really BIG and SERIOUS issue. For a while, I was ignorant and numb to the situation, but later on feelings of anger and resentment started to creep in. I was mad when I knew I shouldn’t be. I thought evil thoughts like blaming God, or blaming my parents. At one point I got so depressed that I even planned to run away.
The issue lasted all the way until camp and it was during those times when I felt most helpless.
But after hearing messages like surrendering everything and giving glory to God I felt challenged. I knew that God was speaking to me. I felt Him tugging on my heart. Its as if I could hear Him say, “Go ahead, Deb… Try me…”
So during the last night of camp, at the back of the hall, my eyes wet, my head bowed, and my spirit broken, I knelt down and surrendered everything to my gracious Lord, saying “sige, God. I will trust You. I don’t completely understand what’s going on.. but I trust You. I know You will fix this issue in our family. And when You do, I’ll know that it was You and I am going to give back the glory that is due You”
And He did make things right again. Just as He always does.
Remember the parable of 10 lepers and how only one came back? How did that one leper react when he realized he was clean? He went back- shouting and singing praises, and then he fell on his knees in perfect submission thanking our precious Jesus for healing him.
I want to be just like that one leper.
Looking back on everything, I can’t help but laugh. When I think about it I praise God on how those experiences help mold me into the person I am now, and it brought me closer to the Lover of my soul. Unlike before, now I would consider those experiences as something beautiful and something to learn from.
And what DID I learn, you ask?
By experiencing and witnessing a broken relationship, God made me realize I needed to work on one which I was unconsciously slipping away from.
And to get back into that relationship, I had to let go of a few things which were holding me back, no matter how painful they were. Sometimes we become so caught up in what our heart is telling us what we want we ignore everything else. We even ignore Daddy. So the only way Daddy can get our attention, is by breaking our hearts. Because he knows that it’s the only way of letting us know what breaks his.
Just like any other relationship, our relationship with God needs time and effort and most of all, genuine love. And to show that I genuinely loved God I had to talk to Him, spend time with Him. And In everything I do, I should give Him 100%. With nothing held back at all.
So, ano na?
Well, I’m finding more reasons to smile these days. I am no longer that depressed person I was before. I just recently joined the welcoming team, I contribute to Jchron by writing articles, and I joined the dance ministry.
And aside from that, I am an incoming 4th year student and also the incoming President of our school’s Student Council.
I’m making a lot of new friends esp. after camp. And my bond with my current friends is continuously getting stronger.
My family is doing very well now, and everyone is getting along and continuously growing in the Lord.
But more importantly, I’M growing in the Lord. I’m still a work in progress though. Oh! And this time, I’m not letting anything distract me from my Lover. I’m letting Him distract me from everything else! (ok, not naman the important stuffs… but you know what I mean. XP)
A good friend once gave me a thought to ponder on:
“It is when you allow and don’t try that you will inevitably do.” Don’t quite get it? Well, let me put it this way.
You see, when a little girl named Deb, who looked for love in all the wrong places stopped trying and allowed Daddy- who knew His daughter better than she knew herself. Who was kind and gentle and loving and so powerful that He didn’t even need her help- when Deb allowed Daddy to work His magic, she eventually (and inevitably) found the love that she’s been looking for.
No, I haven’t found my GB. (YET!) But I’ve finally claimed the love that has been poured out to me from the very beginning. And when I did accept this precious gift, I received the Peace and Joy I know only my Lover could provide. And now that the pen is in HIS hand, I began to live my life one wonderful love story at a time. And as each day passes, they just keep getting better. He has made me glad, and I am forever in His debt.
Let me leave you with the words of Paul in Ephesians 3:17-19:
“…and I pray that Christ will live in your hearts because of your faith. Stand firm and be deeply rooted in His love.” (Youth Bible)
“Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to heights!” (the Message)
“I want you to know all about Christ’s love, although it is too wonderful to be measured. Then your lives will be filled with all that God is.” (Youth Bible)
With that, I can only say one thing… and I say this “with gusto!”
To God be all the glory.
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