Fail.

I got dropped off in town by carpool, like always, yesterday- February 5, 2009. It had been quite a day at school, but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I had a free cut in Filipino today which allowed me to attend the leader's bible study in Matteo Ricci with the Jzone-ADMU team. We talked about Holy Discontent- how God gives us burdens in our hearts, so great that we are driven to tears about it. It is the kind of discontent that He wants because it came from the Father himself. Sort of like Nehemiah, upon learning that Jerusalem had no walls, mourned for his city (even if he had never been there his entire life) and asked King Artaxerxes if he could do something about it.

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All this time, I though that my holy discontent was only to reach out to young people, especially girls, who are in bad relationships- be it with their parents or a boyfriend- and lead them to the most important relationship one could ever have, which is with God. That His love is all one will ever need and will always be more than enough.
But in spite of that, I still found myself writing down the word of Marty on the piece of paper Ate Atid gave us for notes: "Lord, lead me to my Holy Discontent."

I never thought my prayer would be answered so quickly.
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I decided to hang in Powerbooks for a short while as I waited for my ride to pick me up. As I entered, I heard a man asking this woman...
"Can I try my new Tarot cards on you?"
I thought to myself, "maybe this is a new fad now. Tarot cards. Oh no, Lord. I pray I never get to encounter anything like that."

I picked up a thick illustrated novel on display entitled "Martial Law Babies" and began to scan through its pages. As I was reading, a voice came from behind me and said: "That's a nice comic you're reading."

Surprised, I looked up and saw that same man who asked the lady about his tarot cards standing right in front of me. I was finally able to take a good look at him- green shirt, tall, fat, sweaty, had REALLY dark circles under his eyes, acted a little effeminate, and sort of spoke like Jan-A. (No offense, A. But he SERIOUSLY DID. [And I couldn't find any other description.] Peace.) He sat down beside me and began talking to me. He gave me his name and asked for mine. Hesitant, I told him my nickname. And then he asked...
"Debbie, can I try my tarot cards on you?"
-ew. He called me Debbie.

My eyes widened. RUN- my conscience told me. I politely said no and explained I was going soon and I was just killing time there. Trying it on me would be pointless.
"Oh." He said.
I asked him if he was still studying. He laughed and said he was 27 (o_o) taking his masterals. He noticed my id strap, which I totally forgot was still on my neck. (do'oh!)
"Oh, you're from Ateneo? What year?"
"I'm a freshman." I replied.
"Ah. You're 17, but you speak like you're older."

I though to myself, "okay, how did he know I was 17 without me telling him?" I checked my id to see if he got a hint from there, (our birthdays are printed on our ids) but it was on backwards.

"What's your course?" he asked again
"I'm taking Comm."
"Oh, too bad there isn't enough time to finish it."

I didn't understand what he meant by that, but it creeped me out. I refused to let the thought bother me so I said, "Well, yeah. I'm really busy lately, haven't been concentrating much on my studies. You know, places to be, stuff to do.." I laughed nervously. I think he noticed.

Still bothered, I politely excused myself to leave
"but can I just SHOW you my cards? I'm not gonna try them on you promise." He brought out this medium-sized box wrapped in a handkerchief. He untied the knot, took out his box of tarot cards and handed it to me. "Well," he asked "what do you think?"
I ran my hand over the cover of the box, refusing to open it. "Well, they have pretty colors."
"That's it?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm really not into these kinds of things."
I swore I could feel my insides shaking, though I knew there was nothing to be afraid of. Finally, I got up, said goodbye and left.

As I walked thought Corte de las Palmas, I could feel there were tears forming in my eyes. I fought them back, asking myself, "why are you crying? There's really nothing to cry about."
Which was true, there really wasn't anything to cry about. But when I thought about Myke [the guy], I saw how blinded he was, how lost. And it broke my heart. Myke seemed nice. And I wouldn't want that to go to waste by seeing him in Hell. That would be the most painful thing, to see this guy I ran into, suffering for eternity, knowing I didn't do anything about it. I sat down by Mark's and Spencer's, where I was dropped off (since they closed Seattle's Best). My mind confused and my heart exhausted.
I felt a light tug on my heart. "If you're so bothered, do something about it." I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking to me.
I wasn't sure what I should do, so I texted Bing and Ate Mika for their wisdom and prayers.
Bing replied, "Don't back down :-)"
While Ate Miks lovingly advised, "Deb, remember that you're a girl. So be very careful. But if you really feel burdened, sana you can go there at least with a guy friend."

I knew she was right. I could be easy "prey" in case everything was just a scheme, and this I was afraid of. But I asked myself, "if I don't act now, would I ever get another chance?"

I got up and prayed as I walked back to Powerbooks.
"Lord, don't let anything stop me. Don't allow the Enemy to get a hold of me. Protect me and give me wisdom."
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I found Myke sitting my the children's books area, trying his cards on this woman.
"...and this tells me you don't like being compared. Oh, hello Deb. I'm so glad you came back for me." He said when he saw me. His smile creeped me out a bit.
"I wanted to talk to you" I told him.
"okay, we can talk as 'normal human beings' after this." He turned back to the lady and began dealing his cards again.
The woman looked at me and gestured that I could try it. But I shrugged and signaled her to just go ahead.
"No," Myke said "she just needs to watch."

After trying to figure out what I believe was the woman's past relationships, I turned to Myke and asked, "how are you doing this? I mean, how'd you get into Tarot cards?"
"At first, I never thought I was Psychic. But then I started guessing about my friend's past lives. They said I was good, so I looked into it. Anyway, I don't fortell the future naman. I use this lang to interact with the people. Because, you know, people love to talk about themselves, they just don't know how to open up."
"Oh" was all I could say. I didn't know how to start. *ugh*

"So what do you do for hobbies?" The lady he tried his tarot cards on was still there. She turned to me and smiled, waiting for my response.
"Well, I dance. I'm either just at home or i'm out all the time."
..........
I don't know how it came up. Strangely, this part of the conversation is a blur to me, but he found out I was Christian and asked what "group" I belonged to.
"I'm with CCF." I replied.
"Oh! Really? I was with VCF. But now I with CCBC" (or was that CSBC?)
I asked what that meant and he told me the name, though I forgot what the first two letters meant. The only part I remember was "Baptist Church". I found this quite hard to believe. But then again, who was I to judge a person's relationship with God, right?
..........
My clock read 5:00pm. I figured that my ride was already there by then, so I got up and said goodbye to Myke and the lady. I asked for her name. "Princess." she said. "What a lovely name twas a pleasure meeting you." I told her and waved goodbye.

Myke decided to walk me to my van. I grabbed the opportunity and spoke to him.
"Myke, you tell me you're baptist right?"
"Yes, why? Are you going to rebuke me now?" He laughed.
"Uuuh, well. Not exactly, but I felt the need to talk to you and ask you, how's your heart? I hope those tarot cards don't get in the way of your relationship with with the Lord. Don't let that be the Enemy's advantage over you."
"Yeeeah, well. I'm not doing anything wrong naman. I don't predict the future. I'm just focusing on the here and now. Btw, how did you know you needed to talk to me?"
"Well, I believe it was the Holy Spirit who prompted me to do so. I'm not psychic, but I can sort of tell when He's talking to me."
"oh okay, well anyway. I'm just doing this to forget a girl anyway.....blahblahblah"

His voice faded into the background as I thought to myself. "Lord, is this really him who's talking? Or someone talking for him? I'm scared. Protect me. Don't let him be able to 'read' me."
"Well Myke, there's my ride. It was nice meeting you. Don't forget God. Oh and I hope you can visit our youth service sometime. I know you're 27 and all. But hey you don't look it naman eh. Haha. 4pm Every Saturday."
"Haha! Yeah, oo nga. Please pray for me ah. I'll try to visit."
"Okay, i'll pray for you. Take care."

Myke made me beso and then hugged me. I just patted his back, reluctantly. It felt awkward.
I hopped into the van and closed the door. "Uwi na tayo, manong."

I heaved a heavy sigh. I didn't feel like I did my best. I felt like I messed up the gospel. Misued the name of the Holy Spirit. I felt like a failure and unforgiven.

(to be cont'd)

I'm the boyfriend in this relationship.

Now I know how the men feel...


There's just no easy way.
There's just no easy way.


There's no easy way to break



Somebody's heart...

Wake Up Call

Had a little talk with Daddy just recently. May this serve as a reminder and an encouragement to you guys.

Romans 8:28-29

"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son..."

So You're telling me, that despite all this, I'm supposed to react with a smile on my face and a song in my heart? Dad, its easier said than done. I don't know how on earth I can pull this off this time.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness..."

But Lord, how do I know that You're not just saying that?

Hebrews 13:5

"..I will never leave you, nor forsake you.."


Daddy, you know me better than I know myself. And you know that no matter how hard I try, I still fall down. And i'm beginning to notice that it's happening to me a lot these days. I mean, not just in school, but also with You. You speak of Your love and peace and grace and mercy. I don't seem to be getting any of that lately... Have you forgotten me?

God's reply:

"Deborah. Haven't you learned by now? Pag bagsak ka, repeater ka.
(And I'm not just talking about school here.)

"I know you're trying so hard. I know school can be tough, and its not just the academics. I know that you struggle with being salt and light while stil trying to fit in and be accepted... You have persevered and have endured hardships for My Name, and have not grown weary.

Yet I hold this against you:

I'm not the one who's forgetting here, Deb. You are.
Whatever happend to trust? What ever happened to surrender?
You do and do, but why do you? You've forgotten Who you're doing it for. You've forgotten Who put you there in the first place. You've forgotten Me.

Remeber the height from which you have fallen. Let's try this again..."

(Rev. 2:2-5)

I'm sorry. I forgot that it really ISN'T about me.

May You increase, and may I decrease.

Ending Story

My blockmate made this after I told him my story about my past life. He was so inspired that he wrote a song about it.

(*copied from my his multiply blog)

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"The song was inspired by a true story that I heard. However, unlike "Hindi ka mababasa" which was paraded as 'Inspired by the rain and by Peter Ramirez,' this song is a lot more serious and so I won't reveal the identity/identities of the person/persons involved. If it's not obvious to you in the lyrics, there WAS a level of trust during the telling of the story. The Ending Story. . "

Can you blame me
if when I look into your eyes, seems like all I see
are the fragments of our past, our shattered
memories?
Remembering the things that we

decided we would leave behind.
But I can’t get them out of my mind.

Can you blame me
if when I see you smile I know that it’s
all over,
the things we had before we learned to to wonder,
before we learned to dream?
Because now

our fantasy world is gone.
I wish we never left the real one.

And all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?

It makes you wonder how we could be so wrong
from friends to lovers. We knew it all along. And now it’s over
and sometimes I find that though
our feelings were all justified,
I wish we had strength to hide them.

Because all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?

You don’t have to worry.
I know this is how it ends and how we want it to be.
So let me keep forever, let me remember you and me.

Because all I wanted and all I knew was to be a fool and to be with you.
And now all I’m remembering is our never ending story.
Can you blame me?

Can you blame me?

*if you are also wondering why the title is "Ending Story" while in the song itself I say "...never ending story," it's because I wanted to show that while the persona says that the story is never ending, the whole song is actually a goodbye.

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To Luna's [their band] :
I hope you go places. Thank you. I have a song to call my own.

*Music and Lyrics by Luna's
Not download-able on Limewire. [or any other network-sharing service] No line-stealing without the permission of the writer. hehe. (*ehem* plagarism, hija.)

PIRACY IS WRONG.

The Heart's Reply

"You don't know how it feels when there's no one to lean on, no hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on, no one to laugh with, no one to fill that hole in your heart...

I'm like this now because I long for love and attention, but I end up just being ignored and rejected. Betrayed and neglected. Lonely. Alone.
Although I know I'm not... but when you look around and realize things aren't the same, there are too many problems and complications these days, and there's no one who can understand and change that for you...

You can't help but feel that way,
you can't help but feel unloved..."

I Killed Someone

I thought I got rid of her. I distinctly remember burying her alive in some far away place that I could never find again. I thought that was the last time I'd see her.

But after 3 years without her... Three long, happy and eventful years. I'm shocked to see her back from the dead to haunt me once again.
She isn't some walking corpse or a zombie. No, she is alive, she is aware, and she is back with a vengance.

She follows me around everywhere. I try to avoid her and ignore her, but in some way she ends up finding me. I try not to let my friends see her, so I wouldn't have to introduce her. But she pops out when I least expect it.
She torments me, she manipulates me. Day and night, night and day. She makes me rebel against my parents, hate my brother, despise my friends. She makes me say all these nasty things and think of these ill thoughts. She makes me feel dirty. She brings out the worst in me and makes me do the things I do not want to do, and then she leaves me to fend for myself after. She hurts me until I am left crying. She pushes me down so hard that I do not want to get back up.

When i've failed, she laughs at me. Oh how I hate that laugh. The sound of her mocking voice and her ireful stare. It makes me cringe. It drives me insane.

I think I am insane, or at least, she makes me feel that way.

When I feel pressured, she adds to the stress. She made me forget my First Love once, and knowing her, she can do that again.

One night, I get up from my bed and decide that enough is enough. Surprisingly, I see her there beside me. She's been waiting for me to get to sleep. She's the cause of all my nightmares. My grief. She destroys my self-esteem.

I look directly at her. Into her eyes. Her evil grin turns into a frightened scowl.

"You are nothing. You are not important. You do not matter."
This is what I tell her. She shifts her eyes and starts to get mad. Just before she tries to fend for herself, I continue.

"You're life is not your own. You have been selfish. Arrogant. Self-centered. Mean, and you know nothing at all. You are a hypocrite. A failure. You are a jealous, conceited and immature person. You are immoral. A wretch. You are a sinner."

At that moment, her eyes turn red and her mouth closes. Tears began to form in her eyes.

"You are all of these things.." I go on,
"...and yet, you are not judged. You are loved. Unconditionally, with an everlasting love. You are forgiven. You are saved."

Her eyes begin to gleam. I ask her, "And isn't thjat enough to stop tormenting ourselves? To stop living our lives the wrong way? Isn't that enough reason to completely turn around? For you to just leave me alone, once and for all... and die?"

She smiles. But it isn't like before. She smiles in agreement. She nods her head once. She begings to weep, heavily, until I see her drowning in her own tears.
The next thing I knew, she was gone. Her body washed away with the limpid, salty water.


I haven't seen her since.


Despite all of the things she made me do in the past. I am grateful, because through her, I realized how sinful I truly was. How far i've gone from Daddy. How much I've missed the mark.

These days, when I look into the mirror. I still see her..
But only from time to time, because..

The old Deb has gone, and I am a new creation... ü

What hurts the most

When you want to give in, but you still hold back. When you want to give up, but you try again. When you want to fight back, but you have no courage to. When you want to cry, but you have to show you're strong. When you scream, but aren't heard. When you laugh, but no one laughs with you. When you speak but no one listens. When you want to move on, but can't let go. When you want to serve, but for the wrong motives. You want to submit, but then abused. When you want to speak up, but are ordered to stay silent. When its raining, but you want the sun to shine. When you love, but aren't loved back. When you want to care, but you're not allowed to. When you stand up for what you believe in, but mocked at for doing so. When you are victorious, but aren't acknowleged. When you fall down, but no one's there to help you back up. When you want to reach out, but then ignored. When you want to be true to yourself, but you continue to live in denial. When you pack your things and try to run away, but come back and just bring them out again. When the joy is gone and you try to find temporary happiness in the little things, but your heart is just too broken and your spirit too crushed.

When we can't find the strength to go on with our lives, what is it that keeps us perservering?

Maybe it's that little thought in our head that there is more to it than all of this. That one day, something, or possibly, someone will make it all better.You feel all these ill feelings, but then you know you're probably just gonna regret it in the end, so you take it back before its too late. We do not just end our life right there and then because you know deep in your heart, there is something to look forward to.. So we try to remind ourselves to keep breathing. But you don't exactly know how to deal with the pain and bitterness, and ask yourself:

"When will the misery end? How can I live through this?"

GOD SPEAKS:
"...MY GRACE is sufficient for you, for [MY] power is perfected in [your] weakness. Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of CHRIST may dwell in me.Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with disresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, I AM STRONG."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10